Cryptic

Something inside me is breaking. I'm not sure what it is. Just a huge feeling of nothingness that shouldn't be there.

Perhaps it's the fact that I've not been doing anything to feed my soul since I've gotten back into town. There's an unfinished painting on the easel downstairs. I mean to finish it but end up walking by it each time. Maybe this is a good time to just start on a blank canvas and see what happens.

Currently playing through my head...Jeff Buckley, Everybody Here Wants You. An amazingly sexy, sexy (and did I already mention sexy?) song.

And I feel intoxicated for some reason. Not drunk by alcohol. Just drunk by means of such specialness I can't even express it. Or maybe it's because I've not eaten anything today so I'm lightheaded and imagining things. Too much running around. No time to eat. I already know this entry is not going to make sense. Who knows? When one feels intoxicated anyways, one really doesn't care if one makes sense.

Hello lovely people.

Today was a low-key day. Which is okay since I'm into low-key lately and I'm digging the low-keyness of my life. Not low-key as it, nothing is going on. But just basically, that there is not the drama of the past few months. Which is a good thing. No more sudden panic attacks with me wondering what the hell I'm doing and how the hell I got here. No more impulsively reacting to words that weren't meant to have a reaction, sending me into tailspins I couldn't pull myself out of. I'm back to level-headedness and that will keep me safe and secure. Feet back on the ground. Yup. Is good. In fact, I haven't looked at the moon in ages it seems. But it's all right. Perhaps it's for the best that in this time in my life, I don't.

I had promised myself that I would eat better as soon as Christmas was over, and for the past few days I've been doing splendidly dankas tres mucho much! Well...that is until this afternoon when lunch consisted of a glass of water and 5 Hershey's Kisses.

I can see it now. It's completely downhill from here baby.

Speaking of promises and going downhill…

So. I've decided starting immediately, I am going to remove those things from my life that have been doing funny things to my heart. I don't mind funny things really. In fact the quickest way to my heart has always been to tell me a joke. Make me laugh. Not in a laugh-clown-laugh kinda way. But in an endearing you and me share this little joke that no one else gets kinda way. But the cosmic joke of why the hell I’ve been feeling a certain way in the first place isn’t funny any more. Sure I’ve been able to laugh it off for a while. Pretend that it was such a peculiar situation to find myself in and that I got the joke and it was okay that the joke was on me. But really? I never got the joke. And I can’t laugh anymore because it’s suddenly hit me this morning as I drove around the lake on my way to work and saw the all the ducks out on water sitting in the rain. I can’t pretend that everything is just fine and be the I’m here for you type of person all the while my heart feels like it’s taking up room in my shoes along with my size 6 feet.

So...

I made an oath to myself never to say a certain name. Why? Because I knew if I did, then…well? And it’s cause I’m weird like that…see? So why is it for the past two weeks, every Tom, Dick and Harry who goes by that particular name is calling me for various things? Leave me alone! Don’t you know I’m not supposed to say that name??? I’m just not supposed to cause…

I had a dream about us. Not us in the sense of we were together in it, but it had to do with us.

In the dream I walked up to a door and pushed it open. From the doorway I saw a table in the middle of the room. And on top of that table sat a book. I walked over to the book and picked it up. I read the titled on the cover, “One Hundred and One Differences Between Us”. I opened the book to find there was only one page to read. On the page just a single line of text and I began to read it.