Attack of the 5' 5" Woman

So anyways, as it was bound to happen, but I was pretty much in denial that it would...

I finally met her.

Who you may wonder? Because you're all nosey like.

The fiancee. Not just any fiancee. But the ex-husband's fiancee.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Ugh.

Really. It shouldn't matter right? After all...you may say...you filed the divorce...You. You. You.

But it does matter. It matters like a mother fucker. And I won't deny it.

She's exactly how I had envisioned his bound-to-happen-fiancee to look like. Very skinny. Cigarette skinny. Size 2 skinny.

More ughs...

Suddenly I feel like a big, fat AND humungus cow. Oh shoosh. Jealous of her size 2 I am not. I mean...sure I used to be a size 2 too. Nothing shocking about me being a size 2...except I was in elementary school!!!

See this is the part where I want to throw up in my shoe. But I won't because I happen to love my new Converse tennies with the pretty, pretty silver tribal flowers and vines on the sides.

Or maybe I can beat the vomitrosity that is welling in my throat off with a full bottle of vodka. Alas...I am vodkaless...like I am also fianceless. And also size 2-less. Let's not forget that important fact. Because really. If I was in complete babe form, I probably would look at this meeting as...eventful as brushing my teeth. Except that brushing my teeth leaves me with a feeling of cool, minty breath and meeting the bound-to-happen-size-2-fiancee leaves that acid reflux taste in my mouth from the welling vomit. So...not a good analogy, no?

No.

So...where do I go from here? By my estimations...I can starve myself and be a size 2 in...hmmm...I dunno...two months? The downside to that would be it would be very difficult to function and be productive level on a day to day basis...not to mention I would be grumpy as hell since I am the grump monster when denied food. The upside...I'd be a size 2! Just like I was in elementary school! wOOt! Girl's department at Macy's, here I come! Errrr...in two months!

In all seriousness, I know the likelihood of me getting down to a size 2 in two months will never happen. Chances are it'll take me 3 months if I stick to water, lemons and rice cakes. Yea...good plan. I think I can learn to love rice cakes with the same passion I love strawberry muffins. It's really only mind-over-matter...or if that fails...being hypnotized into loving the bland. Or I can just have my taste buds removed because really...size 2 people don't eat so what good are taste buds???

In other news...

I think I'll get my hair cut tomorrow...