8 years with him and lately I look at the fruit of my labour and wonder…who is this kid????
Like this morning for instance. As he’s getting ready to step into the shower I called out that it was going to be a sunny day and he could wear shorts. Instead of an “Okay Mom!” I hear “Oh no!!!! That means there’s gonna be P.E. and Mr. E is gonna make me run 2 field laps in 6 minutes and I can’t do itttt!!!! I hate P.E. and I hate Mr. E for making me run laps!!!” He started crying...tears and then sobs that turned to coughing and then gagging.
I haven’t even had my first cup of coffee and having to deal with the outbreak at that particular moment was making me sick to my stomach.
I can understand his hesitation at running laps. He has asthma and it really took a while for doctors to find a controller med that could help him do sports without triggering an asthma attack. So in terms of running laps, he’s a bit behind the other kids since he doesn’t push himself because he’s afraid he’ll have an attack. It breaks my heart that he’s having problems running because when I was his age, I wanted to be an Olympic sprinter and win a gold medal. The wind in my hair and on my face, my body being propelled through space, feet pounding the ground as my legs and arms pumped in rythmn. At times while running I imagined that if I could just run a little faster my feet would lift off the ground and I would fly. What a high running always gave me…
The only thing I can do is encourage him. Explain to him why it’s important he try to run those laps even though he doesn’t want to. The same way I try to encourage and explain why it’s important he practice his reading and writing. He absolutely hates to read and write whereas for me, reading and writing had always been another of my passions, even at a young age.
I’m sure this is nothing new and happens to most parents. Being a parent isn’t smooth sailing, but being a single mom, having the pressure of holding down a career so that we’re both not living under a bridge and being the parent who is also responsible him 90% of the time...at times I feel like I’m the one failing…like I’m failing him. And though that’s a fear I’ve been secretly facing each night before I close my eyes for the past 4 years, recently it was thrown into my face during a lunch with my nephew’s girlfriend. She’s 16 and they have a 6 month year old baby together. “I don’t want to be one of those women who work fulltime and never spend anytime with their kids…” she said. It was a general statement, uninformed of the reality of the majority of women who work to support their families, who spend their every waking moment making sure their families have what they need over their own needs. Yeah she’s 16. What the heck does she know about the real world especially when they have so many people helping them with their baby since they are babies themselves??? Regardless of the logic that told me to brush it off as bullshit talk from a kid…it was insulting. And it hurt. And because of it I’ve been wondering if every decision I’ve made in the past 4 years was the right decision. Am I failing him? Would he be better off with his dad?
Today when I picked up the kidlet he was beaming. “You’ll never guess what!!!”
“What?”
“I did it!” he said. “And if you don’t believe me I’ll understand cause I didn’t believe I could do it but I did it!”
“What are you talking about little man?”
“I ran it in 6 minutes! Two laps in 6 minutes! Mr. E was screaming for us to push it so I pushed it. And when I pushed it I did it!”
The smile on his face - I don’t ask for much in life. I only want him to be happy.
And just a few hours ago while doing his homework, he wrote his report and read me a book, it all seemed so easy for him. It’s as if he’s found a new confidence in himself through 2 laps in 6 minutes. It makes me think that maybe we’re both from Mars. Or maybe we’re both from Uranus. And I’m sure there will be other meltdowns and moments where I’ll be back to wondering who this kid is. But I also know that this is part of what it’s all about…knowing the person he is now and discovering person he’s becoming.
Tucking him into bed tonight, he asked me if a person ran fast enough, could they fly? I told him I always wished I could and he said, “When I grow up, I’ll invent running shoes so you can fly Mommy.”
Yup. We're definitely from the same planet.
the kiddo
Yep, mine is going on 21 now.
Scary, ain't it?