Deathly

I had promised myself that I would eat better as soon as Christmas was over, and for the past few days I've been doing splendidly dankas tres mucho much! Well...that is until this afternoon when lunch consisted of a glass of water and 5 Hershey's Kisses.

I can see it now. It's completely downhill from here baby.

Speaking of promises and going downhill…

So. I've decided starting immediately, I am going to remove those things from my life that have been doing funny things to my heart. I don't mind funny things really. In fact the quickest way to my heart has always been to tell me a joke. Make me laugh. Not in a laugh-clown-laugh kinda way. But in an endearing you and me share this little joke that no one else gets kinda way. But the cosmic joke of why the hell I’ve been feeling a certain way in the first place isn’t funny any more. Sure I’ve been able to laugh it off for a while. Pretend that it was such a peculiar situation to find myself in and that I got the joke and it was okay that the joke was on me. But really? I never got the joke. And I can’t laugh anymore because it’s suddenly hit me this morning as I drove around the lake on my way to work and saw the all the ducks out on water sitting in the rain. I can’t pretend that everything is just fine and be the I’m here for you type of person all the while my heart feels like it’s taking up room in my shoes along with my size 6 feet.

I made a promise to myself a few years ago that I wasn’t going to settle for anything less than what my heart needed. And this year, I found myself doing just that again, accepting less and pretending I was just fine with that.

I’m not fine with that cause it hurts like a mother fucker.

So goodbye.