I'm Awake...

First time since forever I went to bed lastnight before midnight! I'm thinking it was even before 11...I can't be sure. The last I saw of the wee one was around 10 p.m. He was downstairs with his older cousin watching cartoons. I was just so exhausted I fell into bed and never got up.

Bad Mommy...

Around 1-ish in the morning, the wee one came into my room, kissed me on the cheek and told me not to get up to say prayers with him because Ate and him were going to use his prayer bunny (a little stuffed bunny that when you squeeze his heart he says the Lord's Prayer). I don't remember responding. Just that he kissed me again and pulled the sheet up over my shoulders to tuck me in. I watched him walk out the bedroom door, then turn to smile at me as his hand reached to switch the hall light off.

Regret..

I woke this morning and peeked into his room. I immediately I could see his cousin us asleep on the floor. I looked over to the wee one's lower bunk where he normally sleeps. No body under the sheets. In my still trying to wake up haze I get a bit confused and have to look again just to make sure. Then my eye travels up to the top bunk. I can see the top of his feet, sweet, sweet toes, sticking out from under a comforter. This is a big deal him moving to the top bunk. And I didn't even get to tuck him in...

Are my eyes open???...

So...I've had a few conversations lately with friends over the concept of "The One." I used to believe the one existed. But now...I'm not so sure, although I still would like to believe because it keeps me hopeful. The one being, the one person who is your soul mate, the one person who you can completely trust your heart, body and mind to, the one being the person who you will be in love with passionately, unconditionally and completely forever and ever. I'm starting to think though that for a rare few of us, the one exists and we're able to find them. But perhaps for the rest of us, there is so much bad karma we're trying to work off, or lessons from past lives...whatever...that there are several "ones" who come in and out of our lives to help us learn the lessons we need to learn. And whatever lesson we learn and decisions we make, hopefully they make us stronger inside and better people...

So...if this is true, then I've had several ones in my life.

*The first one r.aped me and almost killed my soul.

*The second one betrayed my complete trust and love of him.

*The third one...I'm not sure. He's never asked me enough questions about myself for him to really know me. I'm confused how he can think he loves me without really knowing me. It's like he contently lives like a planet orbitting around me, never getting close enough though, perhaps of fear he may get burned.

*The fourth...is there truly a fourth? Or is my mind playing tricks on me again?

Heh. Pretty heavy stuff for me to be thinking considering I've not even had my first cup of coffee...