Talking with a fever: "Mommy, I really dig your t-shirt. The color is nice and pretty on your skin and I like the white shiny words, but for God's sake woman, put a bra on!"
Flipping off MTV: "You sing way better than Britney Spears Mommy. She sucks! You should be on t.v. But Britney's tummy is better looking than yours. She's a sex kitten. You're not a sex kitten. Actually, so it's probably better you're not on t.v."
Telling off a friend: "You. Are a llama!"
In the car: "Drive faster! I've got a fart in my butt and I'm not afraid to use it!"
Looking in a framing store window: "Oh look at these beautiful paintings in the window! These artists are obvisously better artists than you Mommy!"
Talking about daddy's ultra skinny new girlfriend: "Don't worry Mommy. You're more beautiful than ***** even though your butt is bigger."
Listening to Bob Marley: "Mon. I wish I were a Jamaican mon. That would be so ire."
Sitting at a table in an ice-cream parlor: Let's move so Mommy doesn't have to look at that guy's butt in her face.
Commenting on a carload of guys making catcalls to two young teenage girls waking in a parking lot: "Man...those dudes are a bunch of pigs."
On birth: "If I go back into your tummy, can I be reborn a Jamaican?"
Seeing a cute girl in PetSmart: "Help! I have hearts covering my eyes!!!"
Commenting on a pimped out car: "Man! That ride has so much bling it's tight sick! I will be blinging my car. Yeah blinged. So tight and so sick."
Commenting on choice of Mommy's top for the day: "Uh...your ya-yas. Guys are gonna be driving down the street and like going "Ooooh...look at her ya-yas." And they won't be looking where they're going and all of them will crash into this big pile because of your ya-yas. The police always arrest who's ever fault causes the accident so because it was your ya-yas the police will hafta arrest you, forcing me to use my ninja and jedi skills to rescue you. And I there are more important things I can use my ninja/jedi rescue skills on other than your ya-yas. So. Can you wear a sweater?"
Getting irritated by the girl next door: "Dejah please!"
Commenting on Mommy in a swimsuit: "You know. I don't remember your butt being this big when I was born."
Commenting on Mommy in a swimsuit2: "Yeah your butt looks big. So what? No one's gonna be looking at your butt anyways."
Compliment: "Mommy. The kung pow is strong with you."
Chastising Cats: "Man Bonita! Your butt stinks!"
Noticing the Seamonkeys are mating: "Hottt Seamonkey love!"
Noticing the Seamonkeys had babies: "Mommy! I'm a grandparent!"
Confirmining Mommy's gender: "Daddy says only guys fart and burp in public. It's a man thing. So...you must be a girl."
Fighting shower time: "I don't need a shower. Here smell! My armpits don't even stink!"
more WATJ to come...
My favorite places...
"The World According to Jake" © 2004 groovebunny.com
Thieves will receive the wedgie of their lives.
Shaka mon! Since I'm smarter than my mommy and she doesn't have a clue, I have to tell her what's up! Here I share the wisdom I've shared with Mommy and others lost in this crazy thing called life. Why? Because I have a feeling most of you all don't have a clue either. Mon.
May the boxes of a thousand Pop Tarts fill your pantry. Shaka.
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